I guess I just want to rant.
I feel like I will never feel joy about anything anymore. I don't feel excited about anything. Every day is the same, every week is the same, every month is the same. I struggled with unemployment for a while now and it's gotten even worse with the virus, but I got a small job which pays me a little. I thought it was going to make me feel better but I feel the same.
I live with my bf and since he's the main moneymaker he gets to make all the decisions. I feel like the only thing I "enjoy" now is eating, but he's very controlling about healthy eating, which I usually agree with, but sometimes I just want to indulge and he never lets it go. I bought a jar of jam the other day and he sat me down to show me how much sugar it had and told me I could just eat more fruit. He let me keep the jam but I can;t enjoy it anymore.
I used to exercise every day at the beginning of this, got in great shape and my mood was great, but I can't find the will to do it anymore. I've gained weight now, I look horrible, and I don't care anymore. I'm tired all the time.
I feel extremely lonely and feel like my life has no direction, no meaning. I have nothing to look forward to, maybe the end of this virus spread, but it seems like we still have a long time to deal with this, and what am I going to do after that? I miss my family.
I wish I was more independent, but it seems impossible right now. And I don't have the heart to break up with my bf, every time I've tried he guilted me about how lonely it would be without me and I stay. I love him, but I think he could do better, sometimes I just don't wanna keep going, why can't he see I'm really tired of living? I don't want to bore him with my depression so I fake being ok. I want to sleep all day but he comes into the bedroom and I have to fake that I'm reading or whatever. I'm tired of all of this. I just want to feel miserable, eat crap food, and sleep.
I have no idea about how to get out of this funk in these circumstances, even if I got a job and got some money, what could I do with it? Where would I go if I leave my boyfriend? I seriously see no way out. I have no friends, no one likes me besides my family. I don't think my bf likes me at all, he just doesn't want to be alone. I don't think my family likes me either. I feel so stupid all the time. My life makes no sense, I have no goals, No talent, no will to keep going, nothing to look forward to.
sorry and thanks for reading.
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