Getting Diagnosed? Getting Medication? (US)

So I received a bit of a talking-to at work today.

Two of my managers said they’ve noticed my work ethic basically going to shit. One manager lamented that I’ve taken no ownership of anything, that I push things off onto my coworkers. The other manager said he’s caught me staring at my screen for long minutes even when my phone rings. And that simple things they know I’m capable of doing I treat like an impossible task.

One manager said “I saw you give something to someone else that I know you’re perfectly capable of doing. You said you knew you’d mess it up. Why do you think that?”

I told him I think that about everything… and they suggested I talk to someone about how I’ve been feeling because it’s affecting the business but they refuse to give up on me.

Well, I’ve been thinking that I might have anxiety-depression. I’ve had this worry for a long time. I really do panic about little things. I’m constantly afraid my husband is angry with me, and then feel like I can do nothing about it. I just wallow in the feelings. I’m almost used to them at this point, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy them. I’ve gone to my PCP about it, who said I need to change my diet and exercise more.

Honestly though, I don’t know if me saying “I think I have anxiety-depression” means I actually have it. Someone once said that a person with a mental illness can’t actually recognize it, because that would make them mentally healthy. (I’m making it more PC… the actual quote was “a crazy person doesn’t know they’re crazy”…)

I fear that I ramble, and I do ramble. I’m in a constant state of fear that everyone thinks I’m a liar, a drama queen, that even this post is stupid and a waste of peoples’ time. I feel sorry for myself and then hate myself for feeling that way. I’m even sorry I’m posting this because it seems like the answer is probably right in my face and I just can’t figure it out.

Also, I’ve spoken to a doctor about it. My primary care doctor, I went to her about 2 years ago and told her that I’m worried I have anxiety, and that I am depressed. She asked if I had suicidal thoughts. I said no. She advised me to change up my diet, eat better food – and to exercise more.

Well, I’m at this point where I actually have changed my eating habits and I do exercise. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been… but the feelings are worse. I drive my husband crazy with my constant fear. I published a book last year and I can’t finish the sequel because I just stare at the screen for a bit then go and lie down. I’ve described feelings that people tell me are symptoms of an anxiety attack. I force myself through these attacks.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore, though. I want to feel better. I want to be confident so I can do my job. I want to write. I want medication! I want medication because diet, exercise, and taking deep breaths & counting to ten/meditation hasn’t done anything. And now other people are taking notice and it’s affecting my work and relationships. I have a friend who said he'd felt like I do and his doctor gave him medication and it's helped immensely.

I’m asking for two pieces of advice – 1, does it actually sound like I might have a mental illness? And 2 – how do I tell a doctor “I don’t need to lose weight, I need medication”? Is there a specific route I have to take to before I can get diagnosed and get prescription?

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