Nothing touches me anymore

Nothing touches me anymore

Hi there, 29M, living in France, my job is music production. I don’t really know who to tell this to, already did with my wife and psychiatrist but to almost no effect, so I thought, “why not there ?”

For some time (2-3 years) I found myself less and less encline to feel stuff. As a musician I’m supposed to be very enthusiastic when playing or hearing music that I like but I don’t anymore. Apart from the musical side of my life I always was pretty creative, I wrote a lot and still do (one of the stuff im still able to do), worked in graphic design, involved myself in photography and was beginning a career in acting somehow (which obviously collapsed with the virus).

Each of these things are less and less appalling to me, I feel stressed when I come around them and gradually im feeling the same thing for everything … and everyone. I always was kind of a lonely person but now I can’t stand being around people, it make me nervous, even aggressive.

When I see some of the few beautiful things this world has to offer : a nice foggy ambiance at night, a cold sunny morning etc I just know that I should be feeling something but I just feel the deep void im standing on.

I cannot say that im depressed, because i used to be when my stepdad died 4 years ago from cancer, and i don’t feel that way again. I would even be glad to feel a kind of sorrow in my stomach. Last time i felt real pain was when i hear my wife cheated on me some years ago when i was behaving like a complete overcontrolling douchebag. I was insecure at that time, doing a lot of drugs, particularly blow which was the most compatible drug with my brain chemistry but also thrilled by success and touring and everything… Maybe I f*cked my brain for good at that time.

Now I live quite a healthy life, sports every day, clean eating, even no caffeine, sometimes I get really drunk on some occasions, but rarely more than once a month, I also let drugs go (at the exception of the legal one my psychiatrist prescribes and LSD which i really live once in a while to reflect on myself and that king of sh*t).

Right after this cheating thing I developed acid reflux, which make my throat sore almost every day and my stomach burn sometimes. Leading to a new obsession with cancer which I still struggle with today, something i’m used to since i suffer from OCD as a child.

I feel like a “philosophical zombie” in a way. I’m still acting like im feeling stuff even if i don’t. The only genuine happiness feeling i get is when i look at my son.

That is to say, I feel like I was never really happy, never able to enjoy the stuff the others seemed to (but I guess that can also be easily faked). I feel guilty to feel bad and anxious when some struggle with war, torture or poverty when I just feel inappropriate to existence.

Voilà.

Thanks for reading if you did.

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