You may find the possibility that narcissists and co-dependents share similarities an offensive concept.
But I can assure you that there is something much deeper going on as to why co-dependents and narcissists attract.
It’s a hard pill to swallow I know … this may even trigger you, yet … give me a chance to explain because this knowledge will give you so much clarity.
It will allow you to move another step closer to ending the cycle of abuse and dissatisfying relationships in your life forever.
Myself, and thousands of narcissistically abused members of this community, have stepped into our Thriver lives by deeply understanding the similarities that create powerful binds with our tormentors.
And the truths you’re going to learn in today’s Thriver TV episode are not about blaming and shaming, they’re about granting you the ability to take your power back. We all need to take our power back so join me in today’s video or read the transcript so you can take this step towards your liberation now.
Today, I’m going to talk about the similarities that bring narcissists and co-dependents together. The narcissistic co-dependent marriage is the one made in hell. We’re going to talk about what it is and why they’re so drawn to each other.
Now, I know you may be offended by me saying that narcissists and co-dependents have very strong similarities, because so much of the public and many experts and therapists believe that it’s the differences between narcissists and their targets, which bring them together. But I’m going to argue this point.
Now, I know you may not even like the term co-dependent, but hang in there, because I dearly hope that you’re going to learn something really powerful today, which could change everything for you. A little later in this video, I’m going to grant you my true belief of what being a co-dependent really means.
Now, you may already be triggered. Before you get upset with me, because I’m going to be talking about our similarities with narcissists that create powerful binds, please know in no way am I saying that you’re a bad person like a narcissist, not at all. You’re going to need to watch this so that you fully understand what I’m talking about.
On the surface, the theory that opposites attract appears to be 100% accurate. Narcissists like to take. Their victims like to give. Narcissists have no conscience and they take in really good hearted people. But this is only a tiny part of the truth. It’s only looking at the surface.
There is something much deeper going on as to why co-dependents and narcissists attract. In this video, I’m going to explain why it’s not our differences, but it’s actually our similarities that bring us together.
By understanding this vital concept, you’re going to be able to identify the parts of yourself that unconsciously are making you a target for a narcissist. You’re going to move another step closer to ending the cycle of abuse and dissatisfying relationships in your life forever.
The truth you’re going to learn today is not about blaming and shaming, it’s actually about granting you the ability to take your power back.
Let’s start off by looking at the narcissistic side of the coin. Let’s call this the dark side of the coin. And then after we do this, we’re going to look at the other side of the coin, the light side of the coin, and bear with me with these explanations because they’re very important frameworks for where we’re going.
The Narcissistic Side Of The Coin
Narcissists are amoral. They do pathological things in order to secure narcissistic supply, which is attention and energy. Now, they know they do this. That’s why they’re amoral. They know they’re doing the wrong thing.
According to the narcissist, the means justifies the end results. It gets them the payoff that they want. A narcissist already knows they’re bad. At a deep inner level, there is an intense self-loathing and self-rejection.
If an individual essentially believes they’re a bad person, that’s exactly how they’re going to behave. And then the trick is to try to hide that from the world so as not to be punished, rejected or abandoned because of being defective and unlovable and unacceptable whilst trying to get their needs met.
This is a narcissistic formula, “I am not acceptable as being me – I’m bad.” That’s actually what they really feel about themselves on an inner level. And, “My life doesn’t work for me being myself. Therefore, I need to be someone else.”
So this is the malignant killing off, or at least completely abandoning, the narcissist’s Inner Being and placing a fictitious character in its place, which is the version of themselves that they want to be. This creates an even more distorted and twisted life view of not only Self, but of others as well.
You need to understand this – the narcissist can’t create any real relationship with his or her False Self, their Inner Being, because it’s not real. The only relationship the narcissist could ever have with him or herself is with that true Inner Being, and it’s not there. It’s been killed off. It’s been rejected. It’s been replaced. It’s obsolete. It’s frightful but true.
Now you can understand why the narcissist chases energy from outside him or herself so desperately because there’s no real Inner Energy in there. Because the narcissist doesn’t have a healthy relationship with Self, there’s no Self to have a relationship with. There’s no ability to trust anybody else either – people relate to others the way they relate to themselves.
For this reason, narcissists feel terribly vulnerable and they feel really susceptible to being controlled by others. If they’re forced to operate like a decent, honest person, they feel incredibly unsafe and terribly inferior. They feel like everybody else, which is going to cause him or her to not be able to have the vital upper hand that they feel they need to have. They need to be above the game. They need to be in control. The narcissistic motto is, “If I operate within decency and teamwork and cooperation, you’re going to destroy me.”
So therefore, to summarize, hang in there, because this is really important. On the narcissistic dark side of the coin, we have the character defect of purposeful – they know they’re doing it – purposeful pathological behavior in order to get their needs met and they don’t have remorse about it. They don’t have a conscience about it. They feel they have to do it and they do it. So you’ve got that part of it.
The Light Side Of The Coin
Now, let’s look at the co-dependent side of the coin. We’re going to call this the light side of the coin.
Co-dependents don’t roll like narcissists. Co-dependents do have a conscience. They have a moral compass and in their normal operations, they’re dismayed with the feelings or the guilt of, “I’ve done the wrong thing.”
Co-dependents can fess up. They can be remorseful. They can take responsibility. A co-dependent will naturally gravitate towards the truth when possible, because they just know it’s the most healthy place to operate from and it feels right.
A co-dependent is going to feel really knocked around when they’re not operating in the truth. So when you feel like you’re acting like a narcissist or you’re out of integrity, it feels shocking. You really don’t like being like this. So he or she feels like – when they’re not being honest – they feel really unstable and it’s just a horrible place to be.
Co-dependents absolutely have times of insecurity, fear and self-doubt, and they can really feel terrible as a result of external events. But fundamentally, at their core is the desire to be a good person and know that being good is the most healthy way to be.
The co-dependent may judge and criticize and be hard on his or her Inner Being, asking, “Why am I like this? Why am I so defective? Why am I unlovable? You’re no good and all this.” But they have not fully discarded or killed off their Inner Being and replaced it with some fictitious pathological character. The Inner Self still exists, and the co-dependent does have access to a connection with it and does have the ability to heal it, if the effort is taken to do so.
In summary, the co-dependent side of the coin is this – they possess a conscience and they want to operate within humanity as a good person. So they want the teamwork and the unity and the dark side of the coin is, “I don’t want that and I have to position myself in a way to stay out of that to get my needs met.”
Now that we’ve examined both surfaces of the coin, which do seem different, we need to deeply go into the actual coin itself, the similarities, and the glue that has brought both sides of the coin together. But before I do, let’s touch on my definition of a co-dependent, because this is going to grant you a much bigger picture meaning of co-dependent than the old definitions, which were kind of like, “Well, you grew up in a substance abuse family and that meant that you had trauma and you’re co-dependent.”
I believe it’s so much more than that. Also it’s going to help you understand what’s really going on within the coin – the foundation.
What Is Co-dependency Really?
Co-dependency is this: trying to source Self from outside of Self.
When we look at the human model, we can understand that the entire world is co-dependent to varying degrees and absolutely as children we were co-dependent because we needed love, approval, survival, and security from our parents. We were really co-dependent and hopefully we grow and heal beyond that.
Every person on the planet, before raising their consciousness, is living the egoic mind illusion that we’re only lovable and worthy for what we’re doing and what we have from the outside, instead of who we are on the inside.
The more ingrained this solution is within us, the more separation we suffer from our essential True Selves, which is the truth that we are connected to and we are adored unconditionally by True Source, which is Source, life, God, consciousness, energy, love, whatever your understanding of a higher power and the field of Life Force is – knowing that we are supported and we are connected to that simply because we exist, because we already are that.
So the ego does everything it can to keep you away from that truth. Because in that truth, the ego, the pain body, exists if you separate it from the truth. In that truth, it can’t exist. Until we know that connection to Source, life, God, we can’t accept our own basic goodness, worthiness or wholesomeness and we can’t truly love and accept ourselves unconditionally, because we exist.
Everything that hurts comes from the illusion of separation. So living this human illusion is co-dependency. It means that we feel separated, we’re on our own, we’re not lovable. We’re not approved of. We don’t have security. We don’t have survival. We’re always trying to find it from outside of ourselves. That separation illusion has nothing to do with whether or not you’re a good person with morals. There are bad and good people living this illusion.
Now, I want you to think about this. Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths are an enormous manifestation of humans. Maybe they’re not human people – not knowing that Source, life, God loves them and accepts them unconditionally. They’re not at peace. They don’t have inner wholeness and solidness. They’re in perpetual trauma and anxiety. Hence, the horrific need to try and gain a sense of self through desperate and horrifying means from outside of themselves. Narcissists are monstrously co-dependent.
The real truth of this is none of us can have a relationship with ourselves, life and others that is healthy, fulfilling, and wholesome until we clean up the only true relationship, which is a relationship we’re having with our Inner Being connected to Source / life / God. This gives us the ability to self-soothe and be whole, be at peace and be self-generative, because all of our relationships come from how healthy that relationship is or isn’t established.
So again, simply put, co-dependency is the state of trying to source ourselves from outside of ourselves. It’s trying to create relationships to substitute the only true relationship that really exists and experiencing the painful self-defeating results of that. It truly is like trying to tape sandwiches onto yourself to satiate your hunger. It just doesn’t work.
The Coin Itself
Now finally, with that groundwork, we’re ready to investigate the coin. Let’s have a look at the coin itself.
There is a truth I know about people who heal from narcissistic abuse. It was true for myself and it’s been true for every real recovery I’ve seen over the last 14 or so years amongst thousands of people. Healing our wounds, up leveling our life and expanding into new realities that work requires 100% radical personal responsibility.
Keep with me. Now we know the narcissist abusive part. We know that they’re awful, that they’re conscienceless and they do horrific things to try to control people and they hurt people. We know that. We have no power over that, no responsibility for that.
When we keep our focus on the narcissist part, it separates us from focusing on healing, evolving and expanding ourselves back to True Source. So if we were to go back to the common belief amongst the majority of the population regarding the victim model, that abusers are the baddies, that we’re the good people, and it was a senseless act that caused us to be victimized, where on earth is the evolution, growth and healing in that for us? There is none. In fact, it’s impossible.
Because the best that we’re ever going to extract from that is people’s empathy, which again is like a bottomless pit. It’s like taping on the sandwiches and we never get fulfilled. And we’re stuck with the label of being a survivor of abuse. We could join groups and connect with other victims who understand what we’ve been through and that keeps our story of victimization going without ever feeling durably free of the painful story. We’re trying to share the story, but it’s not purging the pain. It actually keeps reinforcing it, that we’re a victim, that they did this to us and that we’re a victim.
We are a powerless victim of what happened to us. Then we hope from that point, we really do, that something’s going to come into our life that can fix it for us one day. Maybe there’s going to be a lucky break from the outside to take away the wounds and give us relief and wholeness.
And you think, maybe somebody’s going to come into my life that’s going to fix it and it doesn’t work, because we are still trying to rely on some sort of repair from outside of ourselves. We’re still stuck in the co-dependent model and we hope and we pray that that’s going to come, but it doesn’t, because nobody’s coming from the outside to give us our inside, to give us our true connection with Source.
Or we could take 100% personal responsibility by turning inwards, self-partnering with love and we heal ourselves back to wholeness. We release the trauma, we bring in true Source, and then we can claim the glorious gift and joy of expansion and evolution.
We can work hard at claiming and releasing what was in us, what were the traumas to open up to our true connection with Source / life / God, which is our natural state without our traumas. When we do that, we leave way, way behind being a victim and being co-dependent on getting something from the outside and we shift from being powerless into powerful, which is filled with Source.
What we’ve been playing out as the coin, the similarity, is that emptiness. I’m going to go into some real reasons below that make us have those similarities with narcissists. Before I do that, I want you to breathe deeply, relax your shoulders, open your body, and don’t go into resistance … to be able to really take this on.
So what is the coin? What is the similarity? What is the foundation of the attraction of like attracts like, at the powerful, subconscious true level?
It’s a disconnection from sourcing life from true Source – it’s the separation, pain, fear, anxiety and the painful energy. It’s the trauma that’s created the bond, because this completely matches the trauma of the narcissist’s disconnection.
The only difference is that the co-dependent is dealing with it differently than the narcissist. The co-dependent is saying, “I will try to love you and give to you what you need so that you will give me love, approval, survival, and security.”
Whereas the narcissist is saying, “I’m going to control you and manipulate you to get you to give me what I want (which is narcissistic supply) and the significance to allow me to know that I exist.” Because that’s what an ego run amok does.
Additionally, because co-dependents are not sourcing Self authentically through true Source, they show up in life, as we all did and I did, in ways that make us easily fall prey to narcissists. Co-dependents struggle with self-love and self-acceptance. They believe that their worthiness has to be earned.
Narcissists love that because you’re going to jump through the hoops and give them more and more and more to try to make it right with them. Co-dependents are over functioning and often obsessive, “I should be doing this or that.” They’re terrified about not doing what is expected of them and not pulling their weight and not holding up their end of the bargain. We over give. We over function. Narcissists easily steer co-dependents in handing over effort, loyalty, attention, and resources because of these weak spots.
Additionally, co-dependents seek approval from others in order to feel whole, rather than knowing their own wholeness. This is why they don’t lay effective boundaries on limits. Co-dependents would rather keep the peace than risk losing somebody who they believe is helping them feel whole.
Narcissists come in as the answer to the “wholeness” because codependence was our normal. We feel anxiety and we feel like we’re always hyper vigilant and waiting for the other shoe to drop … and there’s more that we have to do – I’ve got to dot my I’s and I’ve got to cross my T’s. We have this anxiety all the time, and we’ve wanted to feel at peace and whole and safe.
Narcissists show up in our life pretending to be all of that – everything we’ve always wanted to feel safe. The narcissist knows how to identify those gaps and pretend to be the savior of them and then what happens is the narcissist comes in, starts testing the waters, pushing limits and boundaries, and discovers how he or she can easily cave in the co-dependents boundaries, which is the struggle to say no, honor self and leave.
Co-dependents Focus On Other People’s Needs
This point is so interesting. Co-dependents opt to focus on other people’s needs and overlook the importance of healing themselves and taking full responsibility for their own existing wounds and gaps.
As a co-dependent, we can be pretty righteous, “I’m a really good person and you’re bad. And it’s all because of you. And I don’t want to go within. I don’t want to look within.” Rather than going in to love and evolve inner wounding, co-dependents often check out. I used to do it all the time. Making everything and everybody else more important is a classic form of codependence self-avoidance.
Now, here it is, this completely matches the narcissist’s terminal self-avoidance. A narcissist is not going to turn in and take responsibility for their wounds because they don’t believe there’s anything wrong with themselves and they have completely divorced that Inner Being. They want nothing to do with it. That’s why narcissists don’t change.
So if we stay stuck in our codependence, this means like the narcissist that we’re not conscious, we’re not waking up out of the trance, the trance is this, “It’s happening to me outside of me, and I’m going to fix it outside of me. I’m going to try and change and monitor and lecture and prescribe and control.”
Codependents can be very controlling as well, and we can hide it in a sense of “I’m doing the right thing by you,” but it’s a lack of self-awareness, self-development and it’s a lack of the understanding of Quantum healing. That if I’m going to change my life, I have to change what’s going on inside of myself.
The co-dependent struggles to take responsibility for his or her inner wounds. Then of course, what option is there left other than to point the finger and blame and shame. And it’s so easy to righteously declare that the narcissist is bad, crazy, and abusive, and that the co-dependent is a good person and the victim.
We have a toxic relationship, dancing a painful destructive dance on this same coin – blame, shame, pain, no consciousness, and no growth. Both parties are trying to force that person into another version of themselves in order to get something.
I hope you made it this far. I hope you held your heart open enough to feel and hear this truth. I hope you are connecting to what you really need to do to get well and how incredible your life can be when you do evolve out of this trance.
This liberation is about turning inside to heal and transforming yourself back to a true relationship with true Source and yourself. Then you will never be asleep and unconscious connected to a False Self again, because of trying to seek Self from outside of Self.
Years ago, when I first wrote about this topic (there’s a full article I did on exactly this) so many of you related to it powerfully, and I would love to hear from you again, if you understand what I’m talking about with this video.
Can you see it now, the glue that has stuck you together with a narcissist? Do you feel that there is a way out of this by understanding a truth that can set you free? I’m going to put a link up with this video and that is to my free webinar. Because I explain this so much deeper, our unconscious wounds that have tied us into this toxic bind about the coin and how to truly break free from it.
I also grant you a free Quanta Freedom Healing in the webinar that is going to start undoing those binds and returning you back to your power and true source, but you have to start feeling it at a deep level to understand it. It’s going to help you a lot.
So check out that link. If you can’t get to the webinar in person, you can do it as a recorded version at any time that you want. I highly, highly recommend it to start setting you free.
I’m looking forward to your comments and your questions. Make sure you like and share this video with somebody who you know it could help.
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